i can't let go
by MissingMommy
Summary: It was hurting me more to hold on to you than it was to let you go. :: Dennis&Colin, letters after death.


Colin,

It can't be true. It isn't true. I won't believe it.

Come back. Please come back.

* * *

Colin,

You lied.

* * *

Colin,

Today is the day. We're burying you in an hour.

Even from my room, I can hear Mum cry. She cries harder when she looks at me. And all Dad does is stare off into space like I'm not even there. I don't know how to handle this.

I wish that you were here to help me. But if you were, I wouldn't be in this position in the first place.

* * *

Colin,

Nigel came by. I haven't seen him since before...before we went on the run. He wanted to return your camera personally.

I know it contains your last moments on it. But I also know I can't bring myself to look at the pictures. Because it means that this nightmare is real.

* * *

Colin,

Why did you have to do it? Why did you have to go back?

I _needed_ you. They didn't. I did.

I still do.

* * *

Colin,

Mum and Dad are fighting again. I can hear it through the walls. They're constantly fighting. They blame each for your...for losing you.

I thought this would bring us together, but it's pulling us apart. And there's nothing I can do to prevent this. I wish there was.

* * *

Colin,

I got my Hogwarts letter. And I should've been excited. I haven't gotten my letter in three years.

But I wasn't. I don't want to go back. I _can't_ go back. Because that means going back to the place you died and I can't do that.

I guess I'm not a Gryffindor after all.

* * *

Colin,

Nigel's right. Going back is the best thing. It might help me. It might make me feel less alone.

And I shouldn't shy away from the thing that you loved the most just because it hurts. That's cowardly and I'm no coward.

* * *

Colin,

Mum and Dad weren't happy when I told them I was going back. I think they're scared. We already lost you. They don't want to lose me too.

I try to assure them that they won't, but they are having trouble believing me. Not that I blame them. They know they can't keep me from going, though.

* * *

Colin,

Being back made me nervous. The older students who were there that night have refused to tell me where you died at. But it makes it worse.

I round a corner in the hallway and I see you lying there motionless. I know it's not real. But I freeze for a while before I can move again.

It's made me late a few times, but none of the teachers comment on it. For which, I am thankful. Even Professor McGonagall hasn't said a word when I walk in late. I think they know. But I don't tell them.

* * *

Colin,

Professor McGonagall pulled me aside for advising today. Before all of this, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to write articles for the Daily Prophet. I wanted to be remembered by my words.

Now, though, I want something different. I want to help people. I want to protect them. And I want to make you proud of me.

I want to be a Healer.

I had considered being an Auror. Honestly I did. But I think I can help more people being a Healer.

* * *

Colin,

Mum and Dad split up.

It was only a matter of time. They couldn't deal with you being gone. They blamed themselves. But it wasn't their fault.

What they didn't realize is that I need both of them, like I always needed you.

* * *

Colin,

It's easier this year. Coming back, I mean. I didn't flinch when I saw the castle. And I've come to terms with the fact that they may never tell me where you took your last breath at.

I'm just focusing on my studies. I need good grades to become a Healer.

* * *

Colin,

I came across your camera today. It was shoved so far in my closet that I could forget about. I wanted to forget about about.

Nigel told me that I should develop the film. I didn't want to. But he was right; like he always is. These pictures are your story. It should be told.

* * *

Colin,

I sent all the pictures to Luna and her Dad. I didn't trust the Prophet, especially after everything. So I figured that they would tell your story right. The way its meant to be told.

I kept a picture of us. The one Mum took right before we went into hiding. Remember?

I wanted to remember you as you were before everything bad happened.

* * *

Colin,

Seventh year went by fast. It's the end. And I accomplished it. I start my Healer program soon.

It's going to be hard work. But it's going to be worth it. I just know it is.

Not for the first time, I wished that you were here to see me achieve this. I doubt I'll ever stop wishing for that.

* * *

Colin,

Are you proud of me yet?

* * *

Colin,

There's this girl. Her name's Anna. And she's sweet. I see her everyday on my way to St Mungo's. She smiles at me. I think she likes me. Nigel wants me to ask her out.

But I'm scared. I don't want to mess it up. What if it ends up like Mum and Dad?

I know that you would have the answers. You would know exactly what to say.

* * *

Colin,

I talked to her today. She had the voice of an angel. I plucked up my Gryffindor courage and I asked her out, like Nigel insisted I should do.

I could barely believe it when she agreed. I'm excited about this weekend. I cannot wait to tell you how it went.

* * *

Colin,

The date was good. Or I think it was. I had a bit of difficulty steering her questions away from my job, but I managed.

But I guess it was good enough because she agreed to another date sometime next week.

I really like her. I think you would've too.

* * *

Colin,

I invited her over several times. But this time...this time was different. She knew about you, about how much I missed you. But she stumbled upon the letters that I write to you.

She told me that it wasn't healthy that I wrote to you. And I know it isn't. It helps me, though. It makes the pain go away. And it makes me feel like you never really left.

It hurt, though, when she told me that she couldn't see someone who was so caught up in the past. She told me she couldn't see someone that was so attached to someone long gone.

I really liked her, Colin. And I'm so torn about what to do. It should be easy. To decide. But it isn't.

* * *

Colin,

I don't know what to say.

It's been so long since I last wrote to you. But I found the letters in the dresser drawer earlier. And I couldn't resist writing.

….Things have changed. And it's become easier. I can look at the picture of us, the last one, and not hurt. I think Anna's partly behind that.

She was right. It was hurting me more to hold on to you than it was to let you go. I found happiness after I stopped writing. I have a family now.

I think you would be proud.


End file.
